W.A.L.T recall events through the eyes of an animal.
Success Criteria
I know I will be successful when my recount has a
- Title
- Orientation: When? Who? Where? Why?
- Sequence of events: What happened? Describe using the senses (hear, taste, see, smell and feel).
- Personal Comment: How did the events make you feel?
First draft.
My bad day.
One summer day I was walking with my family by the african savannah river. Then we stopped peeked around the corner then started to walk again. Then we stopped again then I saw moving grass then we realized they were lions. Then we started to run as fast as we can then I got tackled by the lions and we pushed each other into the river and the lions started to try eat me but an crocodile came along and the crocodile grabbed me.
Then we stopped peeked around the corner then the herd started to walk again. Then we stopped again. Then we saw lions. Then we started to run as fast as we can and I feel terrified because i feel like the lions are getting closer and closer then bam I got attack by the herd of lions it feeled like I can burst out with bloud. Then I got tackled by the lions and we pushed each other into the river and the lions started to try eat me but a crocodile came along and the crocodile grab me. It feels like they were playing tug of war but used me as a rope. But the crocodile left and I esgate the lions and i'm am so glad that I esgate the lions and I feel please that i'm back with my family so my dad attack the lion and the lion ran as fast as they can to get away from my herd.
Then we stopped peeked around the corner then the herd started to walk again. Then we stopped again. Then we saw lions. Then we started to run as fast as we can and I feel terrified because i feel like the lions are getting closer and closer then bam I got attack by the herd of lions it feeled like I can burst out with bloud. Then I got tackled by the lions and we pushed each other into the river and the lions started to try eat me but a crocodile came along and the crocodile grab me. It feels like they were playing tug of war but used me as a rope. But the crocodile left and I esgate the lions and i'm am so glad that I esgate the lions and I feel please that i'm back with my family so my dad attack the lion and the lion ran as fast as they can to get away from my herd.
I’m am so glad that I’m with my family to have fun.
Wow! Hope I really like your first draft. I like the way you put the walt up their so they know what your first draft is. Maybe you could put commas on it so it makes sense and that an I is a capital letter, are you the calf or the lion? Beside those just keep up the great work.
ReplyDeleteGood job Hope, I really liked your recount. I like how you added ‘It feels like they were playing tug of war but used me as a rope’ It was a good sentence to use in your story. You might want to add some punctuation in your story because when I was reading, I could see some sentences that needed commas and full stops. I could also see some repeated lines in your story too. Other than that you have written an amazing story. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeletethank you Trisha
DeleteAmazing job Hope, It’s amazing you need to add full stops because there's a big sentences. And some more punctuation. There are some really good juicy word like burst. And some words need capital letters like african savanna. Besides those mistakes it’s amazing.
ReplyDeleteGood afternoon Hope, My Name is Jaimie and I am a student at
ReplyDeleteSt. Bernadette’s School Hornby. I enjoyed reading your excellent Draft on ‘My Bad Day’. I especially like the phrase “playing tug of war and used me as a rope” This created a picture in my head of you getting pulled apart.
It would improve your work if had a look at your punctuation, especially your spelling. Wow! what great work you did on your draft. Your published work is polished.
Thank you Jaimie. I'm going to work on my spelling and punctuation next time I do that. Thank you for the awesome comment, I just can't thank you enough. I hope that you leave a great comment again soon.
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